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Posted on December 30, 2006 by otta

La casa non è in ordine ed io non ho voglia di sistemarla. Una piazzata, degna della più brava verduraia di un grande mercato, mi ha sfibrata. La mia aggressività l’ho scagliata a chi se la da meritava da tanto tempo. Ha chiamato il dirigente la tipetta, la poverina ignara di tutto, la dipendente attaccata ingiustamente che trasuda cattiveria da ogni poro della sua larga superficie……. e poi con il capo ancora discussioni…Non possono demolirmi perché non lo permetterò. E non è finita ancora….Non hanno capito che sono anche amata da molte personcine perciò questi tentativi subdoli non funzionano. Nel mio adorato paesino, poi, mi sono resa conto che sparlano di me in maniera indegna. Perché? Di cosa hanno paura? Tantissimo tempo fa, quando ero giovane, decisi di non interessarmi dei pettegolezzi  (ancora adesso non mi interessano più di tanto) e ho vissuto la mia vita al di fuori di certi schemi. Troppo dissociata per essere accettata. Ora mi accorgo che sono disposti a distruggerti facendo una politica sporca tipica della peggiore tradizione democristiana. Casa per casa, chiacchiera dopo chiacchiera, bugie su bugie, invidia su presunzione……Che dispiacere scoprire la pochezza dell’essere umano….E’ difficile liberarsi di un sistema di vita ambiguo. Ci si fa l'abitudine e sembra molto naturale fare gli indifferenti. Alla fine si sceglie sempre però. E si sceglie il peggio. Sono stanca. Stanca dentro. Ho un ronzio in testa che mi disturba, pensieri che vanno e vengono, belli e brutti (oddio più brutti che belli). Sono sintonizzata su frequenze negative…..io.. che adoro le alte frequenze. Emozioni viscerali mi travolgono. Tra queste alcune fortissime, molto sentite, mi spezzano il cuore. L’incontro con Magdalena mi ha fatto soffrire ancora di più perché la sua angoscia traspariva ad ogni sospiro. I quadri non possono crollare ha detto Carlos perché rischia tutta la tribù. Ci vogliono molti anni per formare un quadro. Iniziano a 14 anni, alcune anche a 11. In situazioni difficili per loro non è facile riprendersi. Hanno bisogno di riti particolari che ora è complicato spiegare…così ha detto. Sentirlo parlare in questo modo mi sconvolgevo sempre di più. Il vecchio si mischiava al nuovo e il nuovo tornava al vecchio……L’attuale spiegava meglio il passato ed entrava profondamente nella pelle….Situazioni diverse mi dicevo… Provavo a decontestualizzare per capire meglio. Sono rimasta uguale. Confusa. E’ complicato scrivere i pensieri soprattutto se non hai dimestichezza con le parole.  Non le so combinare e legare bene tra loro, mannaggia… Adesso è tardi…riprovo a scrivere. Non so che dire… Nel pomeriggio altre discussioni pesanti. Bisogna affrontare e chiarire. Dicono che si fa in questo modo. Io invece vorrei evitare come fanno i bambini che rimuovono i problemi, pensano ad altro e non si fissano. Domani torno nel blog per fare gli auguri. Mi piace augurare ogni bene per il nuovo anno…Buonanotte 

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